Red-Eyes, Rest Stops and The Shrinkage

WOW! Red eyes are tough. I am so exhausted.

I was so exhausted even before I stopped to see Stacey and Anthony today...the shower woke me up...but I had to stop for a 2nd!! Starbucks!!!

As I dozed off at the wheel, thinking I should find a parking lot to sleep in...actually, looking for a parking lot to sleep in. Yes, I am in Iowa. I was unable to find a parking lot. It's only fields out there. Fields of Dreams they say...maybe, if they are dreams of other places.

Anyhoo...as I am dozing I just so happen to see the Rest Stop sign and pull off to sleep for 90 minutes. I didn't think it was that long but I was OUT. I didn't sleep on the planes much cause I was so worried about Maguy.

Got Subway tonight, then took Mom and Dad to the mall to shop. We get back and Maguy has eaten the half of the sub we put on ice so I could eat later tonight. Now I am sitting here hungry. =( It makes me sad when she does things like this..But I suppose that's a bit because it is causing me to have to sacrifice financially and unexpectedly. I really wanted the rest of it...I was and still am so bummed.

I have a FIRM King bed tonight! Praise God! I am hoping some of my back will heal because of the good beds I'll be able to sleep on this next couple of weeks. God is good.

Lastly, my parents have SHRUNK. I can't believe how much height my mom has lost in a year...her bone density is sooo soo bad and we can now physically see it. My dad has always been short...but now my mom is the same height. She has lost 4 inches.

Dad is good. He's in a lot of pain. And he's still his goofy self...with his kooky ways and wonderful laugh. He is just moving much slower and can't do much. Bless his heart. We told him we would leave him to rest at the hotel if he didn't think he could make it at the mall....and he said no. Later he told us he just doesn't want to be alone. How beautiful. I can't remember him giving such honesty ever before.

Thanks for praying for my parents. They need the prayer desperately and appreciate it as well. Tomorrow they leave at 5:20am PT to go to the doctor. I will join them later. At not such an ungodly hour. My dad is hoping to be here just one day, but he prepared for a whole week, should he need to stay. It's nice to be here with them. They love Maguy and she is warming up to them. =)

Thanks for praying for me also. I see his goodness everywhere. Even in my rental car...biggest one I've ever got and it's pretty swank! Somedays I just feel like princess.

Princess Kristin
Off to her King Bed
With Maiden Maguy by her side

I haven't been writing much because I've been pretty crazy busy with Maguy. Yes, I named her Maguy. I searched all weekend for another name. But I had no peace about anything else. So...it's the French form of the American name. She's a doll. Actually, she's a short-hair chihuahua. She's three years old and has apparently been a mom.

So between all of her needs and Adopt-a-Family stuff and work, I've not had much time to write. Only 5 days now and I'll be home. Pretty exciting. This will be the first time I've ever attempted to take an animal on a plane with me. In fact, this is the first time I've ever been responsible for anyone more than me. It's pretty crazy! I feel pretty constrained and tied down by it. It's a lot of responsibility and I am not good with responsbility. I commit to things for a time and then I bow out. That's just the way I've always been. So taking on a ten-year or more commitment seems like forever to me...but I suppose it is good training....for me, not her. =)

I've nothing more to say....other than I am thankful for the chiropractor God gave me. He's a real healer. I am seeing more results with him than anyone I've ever seen for my back issues. It's amazing!

Insomnia

This is my second time up tonight. First time was 2am...I woke suddenly. And now it's 4am. This time I woke to my new baby, Adelaide/Maggie (I'm not sure which one yet), gasping for air...but I did a bit of research just now and it is a common thing with small dogs...called reverse sneezing.

So I hope to post pictures of my Chihuahua for you soon. She is adorable. She peed at the Metro Christmas Party, apparently, when I left her with a trusted young lady. Peed pretty bad I heard. Oh well, I feel horrible about it, but what am I supposed to do? She really needs socialised to see that people are not going to hurt her. I got her at the LA Animal Resuce on Friday. She is 3 years old.

Okay...back to sleep. Hopefully! I was dreaming about making a purse or something of a weird fabric. This woman was showing me how to lay it properly so that it wouldn't twist and look ratty. Yeah...hurry back! hahaha...not as exciting in writing...but I was so excited to find a solution in my dream...until Little One/Ade/Maggie woke me up and scared me senseless.

Dad's Prognosis

Just got off the phone with both Mom and Dad. Dad has invasive cancer of the bladder and a blocked liver. He will be going to Iowa City for treatment. He also could go to Mayo, which the doctor suggested and I am a fan of. But they are choosing Iowa City for the closer aspect.

My dad's attitude has TOTALLY changed. He is now accepting the fact that he has cancer. We talked about it. I told him God can heal him tonight, if he wants to. Or he could use radiation or chemo. I told him all of you are praying for him all around the world. He got choked up. But he didn't so his normal evasive manuveurs. He just slowly got off the phone. This is changing him. Not that I want the cancer, but the change is good. Praise GOD!!!!

Thank you for praying him. My parents have only just begun to fight. They seem ready for what's ahead and are being brought much closer and old wounds are healing through all this. My mom talked about Satan attacking our family right now. We might make a charismatic of her after all.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Dependency

You know when you've started a blog and then your computer malfunctions...this blog is half-way to sucky now because it's the second time I've tried to write it. The first two paragraphs are not virgin blog. I am sorry.

Saying goodbye to my pride was an easier thought than it is an action. As is saying goodbye to the other things I listed yesterday. Probably always easier in word than in deed. I think that's a saying, right? I'm so not original.

So Marci is a rockstar roommate. Yes, I used rockstar...this is a serious blog afterall. She is pretty amazing. Tonight I come home and she's taken out my trash in my bathroom, turned down my bed and probably fluffed my pillows. I thought my room looked cleaner but didn't notice the bed until I was about to get in it. So she's super sweet...and this is where the problem is. She might be leaving. Everyone boo together now. Boooo.

Marci is also the dear soul who has been driving my sorry tush around the last 4 days. What a saint! Her and a few other souls have had the distinct pleasure (ask them, not me) of scurrying me around town. Something about the whole situation tells me that they don't find it quite as annoying as I do. I got a little ranty tonight with Marci...cause I no longer have the level of independence I am comfortable with. My level of preferred independence is complete. And God is breaking me of that. So out the door goes the pride I hold so dear of being able to do it on my own. You know, I could still do it on my own. I could. I could take the bus or walk (but with the injuries that's not such a smart idea at this point). So here's God...breaking me down. Preparing me...and little fighter me is fighting it.

Fighter can be good. Fighter can be bad. Cause when you're a fighter...that doesn't mean you've got the wisdom to choose your fights. You might fight...just to fight. Or fight because that is default mode. You'll fight, not even knowing what you're fighting. So really, if I actually thought about it...smart Kristin would not fight this process of learning to rely on another person. I do want to be married someday and it is simply not going to be easy if I require complete independence while married. That defeats the purpose. So...I see what God's doing. And somewhere in here I hope to become comfortable with asking another person for help when I need it. But right this minute...grrrr.

Have I told you that my church is the greatest church in the world? Well, at least for me it is. Metro is home. Metro is family. Today we had a healing time at the end of the service. I wasn't shy I got right down on the floor and wept. To be honest, my back does hurt and I do still hurt about my dad's health. So I just allowed myself to weep. So show God that I'm desperate for him to heal me, to heal us. Shortly after I landed there someone came over and started praying over me. They were clearly praying for my back. Another came over and did the same. And I felt the pain leaving. When I finally looked up I saw that this person was not one of the people who would know about my injuries. I love how God works!

The pain stayed away long enough for me to raise both arms in worship and to move around a little bit. More people prayed over me tonight and my back is feeling so much better. Praise Jesus! I will still go to the chiropractor this week...but I hope the healing will happen much faster than any of us could imagine.

Okay, not only did I get prayed for. But the ourpouring of love today was amazing. I really felt taken care of. I could list all the ways God showed up through people's obedience...but you know, it's not necessary. God sees and he knows that people showing me they care today was a sacrifice in some way for them. I am thankful I am a part of such a great church where I have such great examples of the word being lived out. What a blessing! So again, letting people support me...same theme all day today.

btw...dad is back home and doing well. More tests tomorrow. Still no results.

Death Cab

So this morning I've had one of those streams of consciousness going on. That's a psychological term for when one thought leads to another, leads to another.

I started thinking about self-control. And how the crux of self-control is actually God-control. Self-control is relinquishing your right to do it and let God. It's death to self. Self-control is inaccurately named.

Inaccurately named let me to think about Death Cab For Cutie's song "Title and Registration." Funny, huh? But there a line in there at the beginning about how the glove box is inaccurately named. But then the funny part was that this was a song about a car's glove box being inaccurately named. Cause no one puts there gloves in there. So of course, I start thinking about the accident and how I didn't have to show the police my title. They never ask for your title. That's just at the DMV.

Death. Death Cab. Death. Started thinking about death. And how physical death I don't think is as bad as the death we carry around in our bodies, as it says in 2 Corinthians 4:10. Cause dying to our selves (self-control) means that you are living through these deaths. Pretty painful. And this is, in effect, why I ultimately think I am down. There are parts of me that are dying. It's not a day at the beach. Well, sometimes days at the beach can still be bummers...but we won't get on that subject right now. There are parts of me that can no longer stay because of all that has happened to me and I'm ultimately grieving their goodbye.

Cab just got me thinking about the taxi I took home. There was nothing to explore there. It was just a thought to get me off the task at hand. Letting go. Letting God. Dying. Death.

So goodbye certain dreams. May you come back not in my might or strength, but if it is God's will. Goodbye pride. Sometimes you've served me well and other times you've almost killed me. Goodbye you know who you are. I'm being asked to let you go. And I've no reason to not obey.

Crash: Not Only My Favorite Song of All Time

I no longer think this blog is just about my dad's cancer. The whole story...well, I wish I could write the whole story for you...but some things I must save for a later time.

Last night I got in a car accident on the freeway. I rear-ended a 2007 SUV. His car has scratches. My car is undriveable. At least I had my iPod on at the time and it is still working...I was listening to "Enough" by Barlow Girl. And I was singing it at the top of my lungs. Go out in style. Go out in style.

So then my phone dies. I had called my roommate when the accident happened to try to come and find me. But you know how it is? You're practically delusional. You hope the other person is okay. I even thought about the movie "Crash" while I was there. CHP is on the scene...I start crying. It's horrific.

Cop 1 (Nice Cop) hands me off to cop 2. Cop 2 (Wee Bit Flirty Cop) and I start talking. I tell him I have a whole new appreciation for cops after playing one on TV a couple weeks ago. He tells me to not take this the wrong way, but I'm way too pretty to be a cop. No offense. They told me that on set too. I'm happy about that fact. But believe it or not, they can make you look butch if they want to. Thanks for being nice Copa 1 & 2. Cop 2 hands me off to Cop 3 who will now be referred to as Macho Cop.

So my roommate tries her best to find me with the limited and bad info I gave her before my phone died. But she doesn't get there before the tow truck arrived. She apparently had passed the scene, but didn't see us. So there I am on the freeway with macho cop who's telling me I need to get in this tow truck and he'll take me to Denny's at Burbank and Sepulveda. And I can call someone from there. I asked him how I was supposed to call anyone...my phone was dead and I had no numbers. (Little did I know I also had no cash on me.) He seems shocked at this. "There's no where in that big purse of yours that you have a number?" I told him unless I wanted to call my dentist, no.

So suddenly I get this bright idea that if he's sending the Tow Truck to drop me off somewhere maybe the Tow Man will take me to my old place which is close by. Nope. Has to be a safe spot. So...I tell him there is an IHOP on Ventura and Haskell. So he says, get in the car.

Now I feel like a detainee, a little bit. Macho Cop acting like my dad. "Put your seat belt on." I asked him if that was the law? I wasn't tryng to be smart, I honestly didn't know and couldn't remember if CA law required me to wear one in the back seat. "Absolutely." I told him it wasn't that way in Iowa. "How long have you lived here?" Two years. Already two years and 4 months.

He's driving like a madman. Those cars have amazing horses in them. He drops me at the corner, I say, "Bless you." And he turns his lights and sirens on and speeds away. Show off.

So I start walking to my old place. Thinking of what I'm going to do if Jeanie is not home, trying to remember the names of the neighbors. The only one I could remember was Marta, a woman who is mostly bound to a wheelchair and does not drive. I was pretty sure Jeanie would not drive me home, as she was not friendly, just a roommate. So...as I walked and cried...I wasn't sure what to do. I was passing Burger King and thought maybe I can get help there. Odd thought. I looked, I only had a dime. At least I couldn't say, "I don't have a dime to my name." But the phone cost 50 cents to make a call. I remembered one number: Gayle's. It's one of the only numbers I do not have stored in my phone, but I remember it for that reason alone. I asked a man for change to make the call. I was so hopeful. Gayle to the rescue! He let me use his cell phone instead...she wasn't home.

Turns out this man is a taxi driver. Just so happens. It costs me $30 to get home. I charged it on a credit card, hoping for the day I can make payments.

I plug my phone in and call my mom. I tell her I'll take her up on that offer for money. She said she just sent me some for my birthday. I tell her I need thousands...any other day, the amount she gave me would have blown my socks off! I can't believe their generosity in this most difficult time...but just due to my own circumstances, somehow $500 didn't seem like much. That saddens me, because I know what a sacrifice that amount was and I was calling for much more than that. Her solution is to take out a loan...I'm not sure what to do to get this car fixed.

Text the roomie: Marcy. She is still driving around trying to find me. Sad. I quick email people for prayer and lie down on the floor, where I have been sleeping anyways...to try to straighten out my back. I'm in a lot of pain and my ribs are hurting too. I'm lying there shaking. Not sure if that was shock or pain or the coldness of our house...but somewhere in the middle of talking to my friends, I decide I do need to go to the emergeny room. So around 10:45pm. Marcy takes me to UCLA.

Movies are larger than life, right? Umm...not so in LA. I have never seen an emergency room like this. There was a line to get checked-in. I stood for a bit, there were no chairs. And then, I found one. I don't know how long I waited to get checked-in...but finally I did and they moved me to the waiting room. There were two men in there who were bleeding from their heads. I watched as they waited for an hour to be seen. Chances for me getting seen where very low. So we waited until 1am and we left. I couldn't wait in the waiting room, which is not for patients, any more. I was uncomfortable, my body was shutting down cause it wanted to repair. Sorry, Marcy...what a waste of time for you.

This morning, I'm feeling better. Got a letter from my mom that her old boss is suing her for taking a rolodex that she purchased for herself in order to organize things better. Thing is: she took the contacts with it...did not leave them there.

By the way, my dad is in the hospital because he has infections from his surgeries. He's been there all week. I guess he is bothering the nurses quite a bit. He is 66 years old. Did I tell you that? He's also now addicted to pain medication as he was taking pain pills for so long to try to deal with the cancer instead of being treated.

We're laughing now as there's nothing we can do. I'd like to leave you with the words I was belting as I crashed my car yesterday:

You're enough, you're enough, you're enough for me.

The NT Proverbs 4:7

Of course God led me to the New Testament equivalent and completion of my Proverbs 4:7 puzzle from the other day.

Here it is:

Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowlegde of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
"Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?"
"Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?"
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

Shifting

This is from one of the spiritual forefathers I admire most, Bill Hamon.

-----
This is a time of shifting in the Body of Christ. A time of shaking free of the old and embracing the fresh wind of His Spirit. It's a time for birthing the new things God has for us as His Church.
In her book, Spiritual Revolution, Patricia King shares:
“Every new birth requires diligence not only in the breaking of the membrane, which the prophetic and apostolic often accomplish, but also in the nurturing and maturation process that the pastoral and teaching ministries provide. The evangelists also need to be on board in order to proclaim the good news of the fresh move and ignite the Body with passion for this new season.
“In the coming spiritual revolution, a spiritual hunger will surface like never before. You will see hunger for the supernatural and for the raw power of God. Young people especially will search for deeper meaning to life. They are not looking for a church service to attend or for a club to join. They are searching for spiritual realities that transcend religious traditions. They are looking for models that can be applied to their lives. They are weary of simply hearing the words preached. They want demonstration.
Paul understood this principle, and we too must recapture the apostolic pattern. ‘And my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power’ (1 Corinthians 2:4). With the Holy Spirit as our Guide and Scriptures as our plumb line, Jesus will lead us safely through this transition into a broad place. Get ready for change…get ready for revolution—a spiritual one.”
Position yourself to be a catalyst in this revolution, check out our upcoming apostolic prophetic training opportunities in 2007.
-----

I, Kristin, honestly thank you for your prayers for me. It's been pretty torturous for me to walk through the emotions that the human soul is capable of in the last week. My mom said it well yesterday that it is always darkest before the dawn. What's been most torturous is that I have had to share the truth of who I am right now with those around me. This has really been breaking me of my pride. I am not always okay, like I would like to appear. I am not always happy. I am capable of emotions that I don't like to show because I feel like somehow they make me less human, less godly. Which is a confounding statement, really. (I guess I must think that humans and God never get sad or angry.) But in discovering this about myself, I realise I have held an unfair standard for myself and others around me.

How many times in acting class have I had the problem where I "won't go there?" Why? The honest answer is that I think people cannot handle it if I do. If I let people see my grief or anger, then they'll leave. But that's simply not true. Maybe that's been the pattern of the past, but that does not mean I need to be any less truthful about the extent of how I feel. Covering and acting like I'm okay when I'm not does no one any good, especially me.

So I'm stuck in this pattern of I'm really down and let people see it, then I act like I'm okay because I don't want people to think I'm not okay. But I'm not okay inside and I'm lying to them and just covering up what I really feel. This never allows me to heal from the pain I've experienced. It puts a band-aid on it. But a band-aid doesn't mean that healing balm is under there. It could still heal wrong, or not heal at all with a band-aid.

How have I come to all this understanding in the last few days? Last night I went to see The Pursuit of Happyness. I met another Kristin and I was just honest with her about where I was at. I didn't really smile or have anything funny to say. I was me at who I really am right now. Hurting and wondering how God's going to come through on this. And you know what she said, "We should hang out sometime." I found that odd. Cause I was pretty sure that if you meet someone and they are in such a bad mood that they can't smile, you wouldn't want to ever see them again. But she understood...and maybe she saw me for me, even through all the sadness. And I remembered that I was pretty down a few months ago when all this craziness started happening and met another girl, Katie. And she still talked to me a couple weeks ago even though when I met her I felt like a miserable person to have a conversation with. But she remembered me for how crazy the things were that were happening to me, not my unbelievable human reaction to them. And lastly, my roommate keeps telling me I am beautiful. I look like death-warmed over most days (I feel) and she tells me I have the face of an angel. I tell her just how bad my day was and she leaves me a note in the morning telling me that she was so glad she spent time with me. I'm not sure how that equates...cause it's so far out of my paradigm that it shakes me up a bit to know a human can think that way.

I see the pattern here in myself of what my dad is going through. What he's under, I'm under too. Generational sin. And today, I feel like the pauper who knows she's a warrior and wants to fight. Today I want to fight this. But fighting it looks so much different than what I think of fighting as. In my mind, fighting means strength and battle. But here it is honesty and self-awareness. How do I really feel right now? And being that. Being real...and letting myself heal over time. Letting myself greive over time. Whatever it is...it's okay to be that. I will fight to be honest. I will fight to not put on a show. I will fight to be made whole.

So what does Bill Hamon's word have to do with what I am going through? This is a time of shaking free of the old and putting on the new. Yes, I am shaking free of the old right now. Something greater has got to be around the bend. Yesterday, I felt like I couldn't hope in anything but heaven. But I'm still here, so there's something left...something to fight for. There is a shifting happening, and it starts in my own heart.

Shame

You know what's a shame.

I write honestly what I'm feeling and I get critised for it.

That's a shame.

Kubler, not Sigur

Kubler Ross. Not to be confused with one of my favorite bands, Sigur Ros. Anyone recognise the name?

Kubler Ross was a pyschologist who wrote about the stages of death and dying. Really they can be used for any type of loss or grief. Not just death, death...you get the picture. So was anyone awake in psych 101 or psych seminar to name them? And can you tell by my tone of voice which stage I am in?

DABDA. That's how I learned to remember them.
D-Depression.
A-Anger.
B-Bargaining.
D-Denial.
A-Acceptance.

Today I am denial. Was yesterday too. Pretty much acting like this isn't happening. I'm glad my 3 years of Psych are good for self-diagnosis. Actually, having this knowledge (which I actually learned in high school...so i didn't even need college) makes me feel pretty normal. And it helps me to understand my family and where they are at day-to-day.

My sister told me Dad's back in the hospital. I don't know when that happened and I honestly don't feel like calling to ask. My aunt called me to find out if we knew anymore...I forgot to call her like I had promised. That's his sister. I got to ask a few questions about his childhood to see if she remembers him acting like this. She said their parents acted the same way. Always said everything was alright when it clearly wasn't. Interesting, huh?

So we're dealing with generational bondage (which looks just like nurture/learned behavior, but it is so much more than that) which is keeping him from acknowledging the truth. We need some fervent prayers, friends. Fervent prayers.

Proverbs 4:7

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.

Though it cost you all you have, get understanding.

I know I need to call my parents. I know how horribly hard it is for my mom to be making all these calls and trying to keep everyone updated. She committed to herself to not call people until she knew for sure what Dad's prognosis is. Still...I don't want to call her.

Get understanding.

There's this part of me that just wants to be in the dark about this. It's a glimpse of what my dad is under. I'd rather not know what types of cells they are and how previous patients have responded to different treatments. I'd rather not know how long he has to live if he gets treatment or worse, if he doesn't. Or his recovery chances.

The first day, I was all about understanding. I did lots of research on bladder cancer. Partly because I thought if I'm educated, Dad will be educated. If I know more, then we'll make better decisions. That follows reason, right? But with this spiritual side that we are up against...the only thing that getting knowledge is doing is making this a more God-sized task. If I know fully what happens, what needs to happen, would could happen...all the happens. If I know everything on this subject...and the best thing for him and he refuses it...it's all on God. All on his shoulders. He's the deliverer. He's the mighty one. So I wonder...is that the reason for the command to get understanding?

You know, maybe in the Hebrew that isn't the original intent and I could go look it up right now. But...this thoughts brings me peace. So...in the Spirit's exegesis...the command to get understanding is so that we know ALL stems from him and is held together and has it's being.

Rev 4:11

You are worthy, our Lord and God,

to receive glory and honor and power,

for you created all things,

and by your will they were created

and have their being."

Get wisdom.

Wisdom only comes from God. And wisdom says...this is for the good. This is going to turn out good...no matter what happens. Wisdom says I'm being prepared. I'm being made stronger. I've got lessons on 20 different subjects from this one. Wisdom is...this is for a purpose.

End of the Day

I like this idea of blogging this out. Writing is my forte. Or one of them at least. And I know that, in time, this whole crazy mess will look like a gorgeous mosaic from the broken tiles.

Talked to Dad and Mom today. Conversation with Dad was short. He was readmitted to the hospital last night because he was in so much pain. PRAISE GOD! You know you just can't expect little things from God. Ever. I wonder when I'm going to get this through my head!??! My dad has had a grudge against this hospital for 20 years or so. Because they fired him. So he wouldn't go there. But because he couldn't urinate...he had to go. Finally. He had to put his grudge aside and go. He walked in and said, "I don't want to be admitted to this so-called hospital." Today he said, "I can now call them a real hospital." Will you look at that? God changed my dad's mind. I know you don't know him. But this is no short-order! God changed my Dad's mind! There is a GOD!

I was so happy with the progress in his healing (inner...as in emotional healing) that I went for the big guns. I started talking to him about the "cells" they removed. Because yesterday he couldn't handle the word tumor...so I tried cells. Cells. Cells is safe right? Nope. He told me they didn't remove anything and he handed the phone to my mom. Okay, so...they didn't remove anything, Dad. What's it take to get through to you? You know what...only God knows. Only God can get you to believe they took out a tumor.

So I talked to Mom for a while. She is having colon problems because of the stress. We prayed. And I know Gayle's vision of my mom handing this over to God is right. There's nothing she can do. She can't strong-arm him into treatment. She can't. If Dad rejects treatment or if he keeps saying he didn't have a tumor, there is nothing we can do. The doctor told my mom he can't be held responsible or have a lawsuit because of my dad's denial. No...we all know what's going on, dear doctor. We know.

Pastor Steve preached on demons again today. He's hitting it hard. And it's good. I got revelation into my Dad's odd behavior...which has been there ever since I was born. Maybe since he was a teen. In prayer group tonight, we had a male visitor...odd for us..but it was Kristy's husband and our pastor of mission, Tyler. He prayed about my dad's hurt from his childhood...and it struct chords in me that he was severly teased and mocked....I don't know how deep the rabbit hole is. But God does. Somewhere in there is the root of all this denial and lying. And Satan would love nothing more than for my Dad to never believe that he had a tumor and never have him get treatment. Cause he takes him out. But ah-ah-ah...you don't win in the end! And you don't now either.

Gayle had another vision for me tonight. She said she saw my family all toghether and we were joyous. We were an idyllic family and there was warmth in the house. Joy. Laughter and wholeness. And she heard, "Trust me, I know what I am doing with your family." And I see he does. Look at the accomplishments already. He is a great God. There is no one above him. No one. God's given me a vision of hope. He's given me a promise of restoration. And you can bet I am going to keep raising that in front of Satan as he goes down kicking and screaming.

Ran my heart out as well today!! 5K...cut 2 minutes and 8 seconds off of it. Running for someone because they can't is amazing fuel. I've never been so inspired to run unselfishly...pretty amazing the things God is showing me through these last 60 some hours.

God took seven days to create this crazy planet...I wonder what he'll create out of the chaos in the next 4 days. I know rescue is coming. Cause right now...we're in the boat, the storm is taking us to the other side...but Jesus is in the boat too. And he's so at peace, he's still.

How I'm Doing

It's only been two days since I found out about my Dad's buried secret.

The day I found out I left my house and came to a friend's. There is so much to do at my house that walking around it even caused more sadness. My inability to take care of the things I'd like to right now was too much to bear. So by grace, a friend was out of town this weekend and I have the key to her home. It has been a good weekend. It is a peaceful, beautiful home and I have been able to watch funny movies, walk to the ocean, watch the sunset, run a little and cry as needed. My roommate came over and spent the night last night. We went out for Coldstone ice cream and Panera Bread. Sure, I can't afford it...but who can without God's grace? So...I indulged a little and enjoyed every bite!

This morning is different than yesterday is different than the first day. 48 hours ago I woke to the news. 24 hours ago I got my errands done and bawled in the car on the way back to Debe's. I imagine every day will be a touch-and-go for a while, with me as well as with my dad.

It's hard to write about myself in this. But I know I need to. I am tempted to just keep talking about what happened yesterday or the latest denial report. But honestly, it's just as important to talk about what I'm going through....but it may be the hardest part. I'm good at caring for him, for asking others to pray for him, but because of my pride, it is hard to honestly do the same for myself.

When my world started crashing this year, my only solace was that my family was not being touched. I've read Job and studied Job and really believe that is the spiritual phase I am in right now. And I know, reading it, that his family was the last thing to be taken from him. I don't think God is going to allow that much...but even this seems like too much after all the other things. And of course it had to be my daddy. It had to be the one family member I cherish the most. Not that I don't love them all...I've just always had a really soft spot for him. And he for me. I don't know why...it's just that I understand him. The rest of the world doesn't. His wife doesn't. Don't get me wrong. She is committed to him and watched the 30 year marker on their marriage pass this week! Praise God. But God's given me the ability to see past most of it and to really love him. So, of course it's him.

Not that Missie and Mom haven't had their own losses as well this season. They've both quit their job and are looking at uncertainty. I cried at the uncertainty last week. But this week, I now know I am completely unable to do anything for them. God wants to do it all. If he doesn't show up, we're screwed. That's the simple explanation.

I imagine marathon runners might know what I'm going through. The last 5 miles have got to be the hardest. I haven't run one yet. I intend to run a marathon in the coming years. But I now have insight into what their perseverance looks like. You're tired. Your muscles are no longer operating on your might or your power. They operate on your spirit alone. It is your spirit that continues. That's all. After all, we are spirits with bodies. Not the other way around. Your mind says stop, your body falters...but your spirit says, "We're so close now. Keep going. The finish line is just around that corner. And you know who's waiting for you there."

Bless you. Thank you for being a part of my race and my dad's.