How I'm Doing

It's only been two days since I found out about my Dad's buried secret.

The day I found out I left my house and came to a friend's. There is so much to do at my house that walking around it even caused more sadness. My inability to take care of the things I'd like to right now was too much to bear. So by grace, a friend was out of town this weekend and I have the key to her home. It has been a good weekend. It is a peaceful, beautiful home and I have been able to watch funny movies, walk to the ocean, watch the sunset, run a little and cry as needed. My roommate came over and spent the night last night. We went out for Coldstone ice cream and Panera Bread. Sure, I can't afford it...but who can without God's grace? So...I indulged a little and enjoyed every bite!

This morning is different than yesterday is different than the first day. 48 hours ago I woke to the news. 24 hours ago I got my errands done and bawled in the car on the way back to Debe's. I imagine every day will be a touch-and-go for a while, with me as well as with my dad.

It's hard to write about myself in this. But I know I need to. I am tempted to just keep talking about what happened yesterday or the latest denial report. But honestly, it's just as important to talk about what I'm going through....but it may be the hardest part. I'm good at caring for him, for asking others to pray for him, but because of my pride, it is hard to honestly do the same for myself.

When my world started crashing this year, my only solace was that my family was not being touched. I've read Job and studied Job and really believe that is the spiritual phase I am in right now. And I know, reading it, that his family was the last thing to be taken from him. I don't think God is going to allow that much...but even this seems like too much after all the other things. And of course it had to be my daddy. It had to be the one family member I cherish the most. Not that I don't love them all...I've just always had a really soft spot for him. And he for me. I don't know why...it's just that I understand him. The rest of the world doesn't. His wife doesn't. Don't get me wrong. She is committed to him and watched the 30 year marker on their marriage pass this week! Praise God. But God's given me the ability to see past most of it and to really love him. So, of course it's him.

Not that Missie and Mom haven't had their own losses as well this season. They've both quit their job and are looking at uncertainty. I cried at the uncertainty last week. But this week, I now know I am completely unable to do anything for them. God wants to do it all. If he doesn't show up, we're screwed. That's the simple explanation.

I imagine marathon runners might know what I'm going through. The last 5 miles have got to be the hardest. I haven't run one yet. I intend to run a marathon in the coming years. But I now have insight into what their perseverance looks like. You're tired. Your muscles are no longer operating on your might or your power. They operate on your spirit alone. It is your spirit that continues. That's all. After all, we are spirits with bodies. Not the other way around. Your mind says stop, your body falters...but your spirit says, "We're so close now. Keep going. The finish line is just around that corner. And you know who's waiting for you there."

Bless you. Thank you for being a part of my race and my dad's.