Red-Eyes, Rest Stops and The Shrinkage

WOW! Red eyes are tough. I am so exhausted.

I was so exhausted even before I stopped to see Stacey and Anthony today...the shower woke me up...but I had to stop for a 2nd!! Starbucks!!!

As I dozed off at the wheel, thinking I should find a parking lot to sleep in...actually, looking for a parking lot to sleep in. Yes, I am in Iowa. I was unable to find a parking lot. It's only fields out there. Fields of Dreams they say...maybe, if they are dreams of other places.

Anyhoo...as I am dozing I just so happen to see the Rest Stop sign and pull off to sleep for 90 minutes. I didn't think it was that long but I was OUT. I didn't sleep on the planes much cause I was so worried about Maguy.

Got Subway tonight, then took Mom and Dad to the mall to shop. We get back and Maguy has eaten the half of the sub we put on ice so I could eat later tonight. Now I am sitting here hungry. =( It makes me sad when she does things like this..But I suppose that's a bit because it is causing me to have to sacrifice financially and unexpectedly. I really wanted the rest of it...I was and still am so bummed.

I have a FIRM King bed tonight! Praise God! I am hoping some of my back will heal because of the good beds I'll be able to sleep on this next couple of weeks. God is good.

Lastly, my parents have SHRUNK. I can't believe how much height my mom has lost in a year...her bone density is sooo soo bad and we can now physically see it. My dad has always been short...but now my mom is the same height. She has lost 4 inches.

Dad is good. He's in a lot of pain. And he's still his goofy self...with his kooky ways and wonderful laugh. He is just moving much slower and can't do much. Bless his heart. We told him we would leave him to rest at the hotel if he didn't think he could make it at the mall....and he said no. Later he told us he just doesn't want to be alone. How beautiful. I can't remember him giving such honesty ever before.

Thanks for praying for my parents. They need the prayer desperately and appreciate it as well. Tomorrow they leave at 5:20am PT to go to the doctor. I will join them later. At not such an ungodly hour. My dad is hoping to be here just one day, but he prepared for a whole week, should he need to stay. It's nice to be here with them. They love Maguy and she is warming up to them. =)

Thanks for praying for me also. I see his goodness everywhere. Even in my rental car...biggest one I've ever got and it's pretty swank! Somedays I just feel like princess.

Princess Kristin
Off to her King Bed
With Maiden Maguy by her side

I haven't been writing much because I've been pretty crazy busy with Maguy. Yes, I named her Maguy. I searched all weekend for another name. But I had no peace about anything else. So...it's the French form of the American name. She's a doll. Actually, she's a short-hair chihuahua. She's three years old and has apparently been a mom.

So between all of her needs and Adopt-a-Family stuff and work, I've not had much time to write. Only 5 days now and I'll be home. Pretty exciting. This will be the first time I've ever attempted to take an animal on a plane with me. In fact, this is the first time I've ever been responsible for anyone more than me. It's pretty crazy! I feel pretty constrained and tied down by it. It's a lot of responsibility and I am not good with responsbility. I commit to things for a time and then I bow out. That's just the way I've always been. So taking on a ten-year or more commitment seems like forever to me...but I suppose it is good training....for me, not her. =)

I've nothing more to say....other than I am thankful for the chiropractor God gave me. He's a real healer. I am seeing more results with him than anyone I've ever seen for my back issues. It's amazing!

Insomnia

This is my second time up tonight. First time was 2am...I woke suddenly. And now it's 4am. This time I woke to my new baby, Adelaide/Maggie (I'm not sure which one yet), gasping for air...but I did a bit of research just now and it is a common thing with small dogs...called reverse sneezing.

So I hope to post pictures of my Chihuahua for you soon. She is adorable. She peed at the Metro Christmas Party, apparently, when I left her with a trusted young lady. Peed pretty bad I heard. Oh well, I feel horrible about it, but what am I supposed to do? She really needs socialised to see that people are not going to hurt her. I got her at the LA Animal Resuce on Friday. She is 3 years old.

Okay...back to sleep. Hopefully! I was dreaming about making a purse or something of a weird fabric. This woman was showing me how to lay it properly so that it wouldn't twist and look ratty. Yeah...hurry back! hahaha...not as exciting in writing...but I was so excited to find a solution in my dream...until Little One/Ade/Maggie woke me up and scared me senseless.

Dad's Prognosis

Just got off the phone with both Mom and Dad. Dad has invasive cancer of the bladder and a blocked liver. He will be going to Iowa City for treatment. He also could go to Mayo, which the doctor suggested and I am a fan of. But they are choosing Iowa City for the closer aspect.

My dad's attitude has TOTALLY changed. He is now accepting the fact that he has cancer. We talked about it. I told him God can heal him tonight, if he wants to. Or he could use radiation or chemo. I told him all of you are praying for him all around the world. He got choked up. But he didn't so his normal evasive manuveurs. He just slowly got off the phone. This is changing him. Not that I want the cancer, but the change is good. Praise GOD!!!!

Thank you for praying him. My parents have only just begun to fight. They seem ready for what's ahead and are being brought much closer and old wounds are healing through all this. My mom talked about Satan attacking our family right now. We might make a charismatic of her after all.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Dependency

You know when you've started a blog and then your computer malfunctions...this blog is half-way to sucky now because it's the second time I've tried to write it. The first two paragraphs are not virgin blog. I am sorry.

Saying goodbye to my pride was an easier thought than it is an action. As is saying goodbye to the other things I listed yesterday. Probably always easier in word than in deed. I think that's a saying, right? I'm so not original.

So Marci is a rockstar roommate. Yes, I used rockstar...this is a serious blog afterall. She is pretty amazing. Tonight I come home and she's taken out my trash in my bathroom, turned down my bed and probably fluffed my pillows. I thought my room looked cleaner but didn't notice the bed until I was about to get in it. So she's super sweet...and this is where the problem is. She might be leaving. Everyone boo together now. Boooo.

Marci is also the dear soul who has been driving my sorry tush around the last 4 days. What a saint! Her and a few other souls have had the distinct pleasure (ask them, not me) of scurrying me around town. Something about the whole situation tells me that they don't find it quite as annoying as I do. I got a little ranty tonight with Marci...cause I no longer have the level of independence I am comfortable with. My level of preferred independence is complete. And God is breaking me of that. So out the door goes the pride I hold so dear of being able to do it on my own. You know, I could still do it on my own. I could. I could take the bus or walk (but with the injuries that's not such a smart idea at this point). So here's God...breaking me down. Preparing me...and little fighter me is fighting it.

Fighter can be good. Fighter can be bad. Cause when you're a fighter...that doesn't mean you've got the wisdom to choose your fights. You might fight...just to fight. Or fight because that is default mode. You'll fight, not even knowing what you're fighting. So really, if I actually thought about it...smart Kristin would not fight this process of learning to rely on another person. I do want to be married someday and it is simply not going to be easy if I require complete independence while married. That defeats the purpose. So...I see what God's doing. And somewhere in here I hope to become comfortable with asking another person for help when I need it. But right this minute...grrrr.

Have I told you that my church is the greatest church in the world? Well, at least for me it is. Metro is home. Metro is family. Today we had a healing time at the end of the service. I wasn't shy I got right down on the floor and wept. To be honest, my back does hurt and I do still hurt about my dad's health. So I just allowed myself to weep. So show God that I'm desperate for him to heal me, to heal us. Shortly after I landed there someone came over and started praying over me. They were clearly praying for my back. Another came over and did the same. And I felt the pain leaving. When I finally looked up I saw that this person was not one of the people who would know about my injuries. I love how God works!

The pain stayed away long enough for me to raise both arms in worship and to move around a little bit. More people prayed over me tonight and my back is feeling so much better. Praise Jesus! I will still go to the chiropractor this week...but I hope the healing will happen much faster than any of us could imagine.

Okay, not only did I get prayed for. But the ourpouring of love today was amazing. I really felt taken care of. I could list all the ways God showed up through people's obedience...but you know, it's not necessary. God sees and he knows that people showing me they care today was a sacrifice in some way for them. I am thankful I am a part of such a great church where I have such great examples of the word being lived out. What a blessing! So again, letting people support me...same theme all day today.

btw...dad is back home and doing well. More tests tomorrow. Still no results.

Death Cab

So this morning I've had one of those streams of consciousness going on. That's a psychological term for when one thought leads to another, leads to another.

I started thinking about self-control. And how the crux of self-control is actually God-control. Self-control is relinquishing your right to do it and let God. It's death to self. Self-control is inaccurately named.

Inaccurately named let me to think about Death Cab For Cutie's song "Title and Registration." Funny, huh? But there a line in there at the beginning about how the glove box is inaccurately named. But then the funny part was that this was a song about a car's glove box being inaccurately named. Cause no one puts there gloves in there. So of course, I start thinking about the accident and how I didn't have to show the police my title. They never ask for your title. That's just at the DMV.

Death. Death Cab. Death. Started thinking about death. And how physical death I don't think is as bad as the death we carry around in our bodies, as it says in 2 Corinthians 4:10. Cause dying to our selves (self-control) means that you are living through these deaths. Pretty painful. And this is, in effect, why I ultimately think I am down. There are parts of me that are dying. It's not a day at the beach. Well, sometimes days at the beach can still be bummers...but we won't get on that subject right now. There are parts of me that can no longer stay because of all that has happened to me and I'm ultimately grieving their goodbye.

Cab just got me thinking about the taxi I took home. There was nothing to explore there. It was just a thought to get me off the task at hand. Letting go. Letting God. Dying. Death.

So goodbye certain dreams. May you come back not in my might or strength, but if it is God's will. Goodbye pride. Sometimes you've served me well and other times you've almost killed me. Goodbye you know who you are. I'm being asked to let you go. And I've no reason to not obey.

Crash: Not Only My Favorite Song of All Time

I no longer think this blog is just about my dad's cancer. The whole story...well, I wish I could write the whole story for you...but some things I must save for a later time.

Last night I got in a car accident on the freeway. I rear-ended a 2007 SUV. His car has scratches. My car is undriveable. At least I had my iPod on at the time and it is still working...I was listening to "Enough" by Barlow Girl. And I was singing it at the top of my lungs. Go out in style. Go out in style.

So then my phone dies. I had called my roommate when the accident happened to try to come and find me. But you know how it is? You're practically delusional. You hope the other person is okay. I even thought about the movie "Crash" while I was there. CHP is on the scene...I start crying. It's horrific.

Cop 1 (Nice Cop) hands me off to cop 2. Cop 2 (Wee Bit Flirty Cop) and I start talking. I tell him I have a whole new appreciation for cops after playing one on TV a couple weeks ago. He tells me to not take this the wrong way, but I'm way too pretty to be a cop. No offense. They told me that on set too. I'm happy about that fact. But believe it or not, they can make you look butch if they want to. Thanks for being nice Copa 1 & 2. Cop 2 hands me off to Cop 3 who will now be referred to as Macho Cop.

So my roommate tries her best to find me with the limited and bad info I gave her before my phone died. But she doesn't get there before the tow truck arrived. She apparently had passed the scene, but didn't see us. So there I am on the freeway with macho cop who's telling me I need to get in this tow truck and he'll take me to Denny's at Burbank and Sepulveda. And I can call someone from there. I asked him how I was supposed to call anyone...my phone was dead and I had no numbers. (Little did I know I also had no cash on me.) He seems shocked at this. "There's no where in that big purse of yours that you have a number?" I told him unless I wanted to call my dentist, no.

So suddenly I get this bright idea that if he's sending the Tow Truck to drop me off somewhere maybe the Tow Man will take me to my old place which is close by. Nope. Has to be a safe spot. So...I tell him there is an IHOP on Ventura and Haskell. So he says, get in the car.

Now I feel like a detainee, a little bit. Macho Cop acting like my dad. "Put your seat belt on." I asked him if that was the law? I wasn't tryng to be smart, I honestly didn't know and couldn't remember if CA law required me to wear one in the back seat. "Absolutely." I told him it wasn't that way in Iowa. "How long have you lived here?" Two years. Already two years and 4 months.

He's driving like a madman. Those cars have amazing horses in them. He drops me at the corner, I say, "Bless you." And he turns his lights and sirens on and speeds away. Show off.

So I start walking to my old place. Thinking of what I'm going to do if Jeanie is not home, trying to remember the names of the neighbors. The only one I could remember was Marta, a woman who is mostly bound to a wheelchair and does not drive. I was pretty sure Jeanie would not drive me home, as she was not friendly, just a roommate. So...as I walked and cried...I wasn't sure what to do. I was passing Burger King and thought maybe I can get help there. Odd thought. I looked, I only had a dime. At least I couldn't say, "I don't have a dime to my name." But the phone cost 50 cents to make a call. I remembered one number: Gayle's. It's one of the only numbers I do not have stored in my phone, but I remember it for that reason alone. I asked a man for change to make the call. I was so hopeful. Gayle to the rescue! He let me use his cell phone instead...she wasn't home.

Turns out this man is a taxi driver. Just so happens. It costs me $30 to get home. I charged it on a credit card, hoping for the day I can make payments.

I plug my phone in and call my mom. I tell her I'll take her up on that offer for money. She said she just sent me some for my birthday. I tell her I need thousands...any other day, the amount she gave me would have blown my socks off! I can't believe their generosity in this most difficult time...but just due to my own circumstances, somehow $500 didn't seem like much. That saddens me, because I know what a sacrifice that amount was and I was calling for much more than that. Her solution is to take out a loan...I'm not sure what to do to get this car fixed.

Text the roomie: Marcy. She is still driving around trying to find me. Sad. I quick email people for prayer and lie down on the floor, where I have been sleeping anyways...to try to straighten out my back. I'm in a lot of pain and my ribs are hurting too. I'm lying there shaking. Not sure if that was shock or pain or the coldness of our house...but somewhere in the middle of talking to my friends, I decide I do need to go to the emergeny room. So around 10:45pm. Marcy takes me to UCLA.

Movies are larger than life, right? Umm...not so in LA. I have never seen an emergency room like this. There was a line to get checked-in. I stood for a bit, there were no chairs. And then, I found one. I don't know how long I waited to get checked-in...but finally I did and they moved me to the waiting room. There were two men in there who were bleeding from their heads. I watched as they waited for an hour to be seen. Chances for me getting seen where very low. So we waited until 1am and we left. I couldn't wait in the waiting room, which is not for patients, any more. I was uncomfortable, my body was shutting down cause it wanted to repair. Sorry, Marcy...what a waste of time for you.

This morning, I'm feeling better. Got a letter from my mom that her old boss is suing her for taking a rolodex that she purchased for herself in order to organize things better. Thing is: she took the contacts with it...did not leave them there.

By the way, my dad is in the hospital because he has infections from his surgeries. He's been there all week. I guess he is bothering the nurses quite a bit. He is 66 years old. Did I tell you that? He's also now addicted to pain medication as he was taking pain pills for so long to try to deal with the cancer instead of being treated.

We're laughing now as there's nothing we can do. I'd like to leave you with the words I was belting as I crashed my car yesterday:

You're enough, you're enough, you're enough for me.