Shifting

This is from one of the spiritual forefathers I admire most, Bill Hamon.

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This is a time of shifting in the Body of Christ. A time of shaking free of the old and embracing the fresh wind of His Spirit. It's a time for birthing the new things God has for us as His Church.
In her book, Spiritual Revolution, Patricia King shares:
“Every new birth requires diligence not only in the breaking of the membrane, which the prophetic and apostolic often accomplish, but also in the nurturing and maturation process that the pastoral and teaching ministries provide. The evangelists also need to be on board in order to proclaim the good news of the fresh move and ignite the Body with passion for this new season.
“In the coming spiritual revolution, a spiritual hunger will surface like never before. You will see hunger for the supernatural and for the raw power of God. Young people especially will search for deeper meaning to life. They are not looking for a church service to attend or for a club to join. They are searching for spiritual realities that transcend religious traditions. They are looking for models that can be applied to their lives. They are weary of simply hearing the words preached. They want demonstration.
Paul understood this principle, and we too must recapture the apostolic pattern. ‘And my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power’ (1 Corinthians 2:4). With the Holy Spirit as our Guide and Scriptures as our plumb line, Jesus will lead us safely through this transition into a broad place. Get ready for change…get ready for revolution—a spiritual one.”
Position yourself to be a catalyst in this revolution, check out our upcoming apostolic prophetic training opportunities in 2007.
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I, Kristin, honestly thank you for your prayers for me. It's been pretty torturous for me to walk through the emotions that the human soul is capable of in the last week. My mom said it well yesterday that it is always darkest before the dawn. What's been most torturous is that I have had to share the truth of who I am right now with those around me. This has really been breaking me of my pride. I am not always okay, like I would like to appear. I am not always happy. I am capable of emotions that I don't like to show because I feel like somehow they make me less human, less godly. Which is a confounding statement, really. (I guess I must think that humans and God never get sad or angry.) But in discovering this about myself, I realise I have held an unfair standard for myself and others around me.

How many times in acting class have I had the problem where I "won't go there?" Why? The honest answer is that I think people cannot handle it if I do. If I let people see my grief or anger, then they'll leave. But that's simply not true. Maybe that's been the pattern of the past, but that does not mean I need to be any less truthful about the extent of how I feel. Covering and acting like I'm okay when I'm not does no one any good, especially me.

So I'm stuck in this pattern of I'm really down and let people see it, then I act like I'm okay because I don't want people to think I'm not okay. But I'm not okay inside and I'm lying to them and just covering up what I really feel. This never allows me to heal from the pain I've experienced. It puts a band-aid on it. But a band-aid doesn't mean that healing balm is under there. It could still heal wrong, or not heal at all with a band-aid.

How have I come to all this understanding in the last few days? Last night I went to see The Pursuit of Happyness. I met another Kristin and I was just honest with her about where I was at. I didn't really smile or have anything funny to say. I was me at who I really am right now. Hurting and wondering how God's going to come through on this. And you know what she said, "We should hang out sometime." I found that odd. Cause I was pretty sure that if you meet someone and they are in such a bad mood that they can't smile, you wouldn't want to ever see them again. But she understood...and maybe she saw me for me, even through all the sadness. And I remembered that I was pretty down a few months ago when all this craziness started happening and met another girl, Katie. And she still talked to me a couple weeks ago even though when I met her I felt like a miserable person to have a conversation with. But she remembered me for how crazy the things were that were happening to me, not my unbelievable human reaction to them. And lastly, my roommate keeps telling me I am beautiful. I look like death-warmed over most days (I feel) and she tells me I have the face of an angel. I tell her just how bad my day was and she leaves me a note in the morning telling me that she was so glad she spent time with me. I'm not sure how that equates...cause it's so far out of my paradigm that it shakes me up a bit to know a human can think that way.

I see the pattern here in myself of what my dad is going through. What he's under, I'm under too. Generational sin. And today, I feel like the pauper who knows she's a warrior and wants to fight. Today I want to fight this. But fighting it looks so much different than what I think of fighting as. In my mind, fighting means strength and battle. But here it is honesty and self-awareness. How do I really feel right now? And being that. Being real...and letting myself heal over time. Letting myself greive over time. Whatever it is...it's okay to be that. I will fight to be honest. I will fight to not put on a show. I will fight to be made whole.

So what does Bill Hamon's word have to do with what I am going through? This is a time of shaking free of the old and putting on the new. Yes, I am shaking free of the old right now. Something greater has got to be around the bend. Yesterday, I felt like I couldn't hope in anything but heaven. But I'm still here, so there's something left...something to fight for. There is a shifting happening, and it starts in my own heart.