The Tragedy of Space & Thought

I woke up today and my thoughts saddened me. I realised that since my move to Los Angeles, I have become very distant from one of my closest friends in Iowa. She recently got engaged and I have never met her fiance. That saddens me. I was reading Chambers yesterday and the passage of the day talked about the sacrifice others must give for our ministry. That we must know and accept that it will cost others something in order for us to do what God has called us to do. I hadn't thought of it like that before. I've only thought it was costing me. But that's a pretty grevious oversight given how connected and dependent the human race is as a species. Heck, more grevious in the context of ecosystems and checks and balances. So...I'm sure that even though my moment with Oswald yesterday was brief, the thoughts were there working themselves out, under the surface. So by the time I woke today, the first thoughts in my mind were of a friend I used to call best and the sadness that comes with not being able to say that anymore.

I've had this thought in the last couple months as well in a different sort. Because I have known since July that my Job phase had begun, I knew things had the potential for getting pretty bad. And in fact, getting bad for the people around me. Because Job did not suffer for his own personal injuries. He suffered first because those he loved most suffered. It cost his family and servants their lives in order for Job to go where God was taking them. I don't want to get into a theological debate about this. But, God did allow those people to be taken from this earth in a manner that was tragic and in a time that seemed too early to Job. Did Job grieve because of his loss or was his deepest pain the loss those closest to him went through? Probably both. But it there, both components. The interconnectivity of life.

And so it is with my dad. He suffers, we suffer. God is allowing me to be tested and tried. My question has been: how far will this go? And my plea has been: please don't touch my family. Please don't get me wrong. I don't have illusions of grandeur. I simply looked at the Biblical example a while ago and saw where it could be headed. And we are there now. Is my dad's cancer because God is working something out in me? I'm sure it is. Will he also use it for an infinite number of other purposes? Sure, he will. He already is. But there in my mind is the question of "first mover." Who caused this? Can we trace this back? And if we can, does it land on me? I am sure I will not have the answers to these questions in my lifetime. And if I do, I am sure they will be human rationalisation, which will be nothing less than incomplete.