Nonsense & Nice Toe Nails

It's frankly too early to be up writing. But given that my back pain, which has turned into sore, stiff leg pain, has been not allowing me to sleep much...what choices do I have? Also, for those of you who remember two years ago and the ganglion incident, the subsequent double healing (and then praying over it at Asuza for sustained healing...which worked)...I am indifferent to report that the ganglion is back. Although it has moved slightly to the southwest of my hand...I noticed that my hand looked broken while driving the other day. Alas...it's back.

I'm finding the whole bucket of "getting older" pretty much sucks. I keep digging to find some gold that sifted to the bottom but I'm pretty sure that college were the golden years and I missed it...having had boys and alcohol on my mind. I missed it. What is with all the aches and pains where you were injured coming to haunt you as you age? What is with the wrinkles that get worse when you're stressed? Have things always been this way but I just have more time to notice these things now? Somedays I wonder if Adam and Eve hadn't failed, would I still be here? Am I at all a by-product of sin? So if I was still created in a perfect world, wow...aging would be wonderful!

So...deterioration is normal. My pastor was telling us in a staff time that he's got to have knee surgery because he was something like 5 tares...and he pretty much lives with pain all the time. I remember in my idiot-ness of my youth I judged my mother because of her frality, her sickness and her pain. I judged her all the time. I encouraged her to get over it. Granted, she could have complained less...etc...but I had NO compassion for her whatsoever that her pains and sickness were real. It seems I am finally getting a glimpse of how dumb and rude I've been all these years.

Something happened last November when I found out that Superman/the Bionic Man/my dad had a tumor and my gut knew it was cancer. Suddenly my fantasy world, which he had built for us both, with his own two hands of predictable, "I'm healthy, always healthy" or "Never felt better" replies were given for simple "How are you?" exchanges. His world of denial, his bottles of Advil a week and my belief that it was possible to be totally healthy and never experience pain even into your 60s were brought into light. The following week I got into a pretty bad car accident and still feel the effects. (Talk about bringing a lesson home!) I hope every morning that I will wake with my body feeling like it did when I woke up at 14...but every morning I am reminded that this life is temporary. Every morning (and the subsequent frequent awakenings due to my back pain during the night) I am reminded that my time is short and I'd better live for something important because I don't know what next year holds.

My dad has become real in the last 7 months. I wish you knew him. I wish everyone knew him. He's a little Robin Williams and not really comparable to anyone else because he's really unique. He's Scott Williams Sherk and I fear he's not got long. That's so hard to write, so hard to say. The doctors told him he can quit chemo at any time he chooses...bascially, it's not working. I wrote a couple poems last week. I'll post them here to share with you.

You Weren't Meant to Die

The guttural groans
sound like old cedars
swaying in the wind
crying out against the pull.
In protest they long for
the stability of their youth
the strength, the brute tenacity
of reaching for the stars
as roots dug deeper
and water was easily found.

The salty streams
flow downward nocturnally
seeking out the lower grounds
needing a balm that heals.
So raw the places in these depths
like caverns undiscovered
full of sharp-edges and bright colors
waiting for some light to reveal
their incomparable beauty
that just the sound of the oncoming flood
brings unprecedented uncertainty
with tenderness shrinking
yet in bravery pulsing
at the thought of what change
might mean.

--Kristin Jo Sherk, 07.10.2007

Calling

I’m sad without you, baby.
Your petname is still up for debate.
How would you like to be called?
I’ll take it into consideration.

Honey, what’s Friday look like for you?
I’ll take Friday and Saturday and Sunday, too.
Can you drive a little faster, dear?
It’s lonely without you.

You missed another birthday, bear.
And Christmas wasn’t the same without you.
My daddy’s sick, honey.
Please come quickly, we haven’t got long.

--Kristin Jo Sherk, 07.10.2007

So lastly, a moment of appreciation for some concerted effort and wisdom from age. Simply that...painted toenails are very lovely. Seeing my own toenails growing and painted brings me simple joy that I didn't know I was being robbed of for so long...I had no clue! Happy to report I love having long(er) toe and fingernails. Totally nonsensical...but life's simplicities, created by God, are there for the taking. And I'm taking.

Have a wonderful day! May you know Him more and in knowing Him may you know your purpose.